


san francisco days (san francisco nights)

by TheResurrectionist



Category: Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: Alien Culture, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Negotiations, References to Drugs, Rituals, batlantern if you squint, do it for the mission, like for the purposes of the mission only, mildly seriously, this is just straight up crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:06:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29382489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheResurrectionist/pseuds/TheResurrectionist
Summary: “So anyway,” Hal said, looking through a display of calla lilies, “which one of these says‘sorry I had to do space coke off your ass, glad we completed the mission’to you?”
Comments: 16
Kudos: 141





	san francisco days (san francisco nights)

**Author's Note:**

> absolute fever dream crack, mostly because of audreycritter, also mostly because of my own bad decisions

“Just do it, Jordan.”

Hal hesitated, scanning the crowd of drunk aliens watching eagerly. For the eighth time that night, and the thirtieth time on this mission, he questioned his life choices. 

Across the table, Bruce tilted his head, his jaw clenching briefly. He’d accepted a glowing drink, holding it between his hands as the aliens around them cheered, tentacles waving. 

“If you don’t accept it, the negotiations are null and void,” Bruce said in that cold, logical voice that made too much damn sense. “Take. The. _Gift_.”

“Fine,” Hal said, snatching the proffered packet. A cheer went through the crowd, tentacles undulating and beaks chattering. “What now?”

“You ingest it,” Bruce replied, looking pained. “Ewoan traditions were mandatory reading before this mission.”

“I skimmed,” Hal said, nodding and smiling as one of the aliens gestured at the packet, its tentacles waving insistently. He held up the pink powder. “So. Just like fundip? You got a glass of water I can dissolve this in?”

The alien immediately to his right -- the one they’d had been negotiating with, crowned by a ring of horns and fleshy nubs -- chattered into his ear, displeased. 

“He said I have to...inhale it,” Hal translated for Bruce, frowning. “I think. The ring’s having a little trouble distinguishing the clicking noises.” 

“So inhale it,” Bruce said, deadpan. 

Hal frowned at him. “All of it?”

The alien leader made a series of clicking noises, translated by the ring as increasingly distressed questions about his faith in the negotiations. 

“I’m doing it,” Hal spoke through the ring, waving a hand at the alien, “I’m doing it!”

With a sigh, he split open the packet, watching the pink crystals drift into the air. There was no warning from his ring, so he sniffed gingerly at the floating powder. 

A bolt of energy burned through his head, sending shockwaves across his body. Pink burst behind his eyelids, blinding him as he flung a hand out, desperate for stability. 

“---ordan!”

He opened his eyes to Bruce, a spilled mug of whatever the other man had been drinking across the table, and the distinct feeling he’d been about to fall. 

“Jordan. Talk to me.”

“I’m fine,” he said, feeling the words out in his mouth. They tasted...strange. “It’s just stronger than I expected.”

Bruce looked mildly concerned -- on his face, a slight twitch of his lips. “Will you be able to finish it all?”

“I...probably.” Hal shook his head, suddenly realizing the other man was holding him up, a hand braced under his shoulder. “Give me a sec.”

The leader clearly didn’t like that, waving his front tentacles in combination with a clicking that came from the very recesses of his throat. Hal groaned as the ring translated. 

“You need to help,” he told Bruce, “Apparently. I don’t know, it’s not translating well.” 

“Whatever you need.” the other man said, painfully casual. 

The alien motioned for Bruce to stand, which he did, grudgingly. Hal frowned as he chattered back at him, gesturing toward the powder, then back to Bruce. 

“He wants you to...bend over?” Hal said, cheeks flushing as he realized what he’d just said. 

Bruce paused, considering this. “The Æœțriegfor ritual.”

“What?”

The other man sighed, looked up at the stars, and began taking off his pants. 

Hal’s cheeks, already red, began to _burn._ “What the--what are you _doing_?”

“Completing the ritual,” Bruce said, pulling off his boxers and leaning down across the table. With a shift of his hips, he was laid flat, the leader clicking in approval behind him. “Jordan.”

“Huh?” Hal said, staring somewhere above the other man’s head, absolutely flummoxed. 

“If you ever want to get off this planet,” Bruce said, glaring over his elbows, “You’re going to put the powder on me and _inhale it_.” 

“ _Fuck,_ why?” Hal said, panicked.

“It’s a sign of respect in their culture,” Bruce _fucking_ Wayne rolled his eyes, “this species communicates trust through anal contact, are you telling me you didn’t read _anything_ I sent you--”

“Shut up!” Hal said, pointing at him, his hands trembling, “I’m taking this in, okay!” 

“Process _later_ ,” Bruce said, somehow managing to appear dignified, naked from the waist down and leaning on his elbows. “I don’t speak much Ewoan, but they’re growing displeased with us.”

The leader clacked his beak together, a sharp _click_ that had Hal flinching. 

In an instant, tension crippled the room, drawing tight over them. He met Bruce’s gaze, prayed to whatever higher power was still listening, and stepped forward. 

“Okay! Fine! I’m doing it!”

* * *

“So anyway,” Hal said, looking through a display of calla lilies, “which one of these says _‘sorry I had to do space coke off your ass, glad we completed the mission’_ to you?”

Dinah froze, her hand hovering above a bouquet of roses. 

“I’m thinking the autumnal arrangement,” Hal said, considering, “Wait. What if he doesn’t like mums?”

“Please back up,” Dinah said, strained. “I’m begging you.”

“Everyone likes mums, though,” Hal said, frowning at the arrangement. “I’m getting it. Holy _shit,_ $24.99 for one bouquet?”

“ _Hal_.”

“Maybe I should do an edible arrangement instead.” 

_“HAL!”_


End file.
